5 Things to Never Say to Your Daughter

I was busy running errands and I had my two daughters in the car.  One was 14 years old and the other was 12 years old.  We dropped the 12 year old off at ballet and we watched her cross the parking lot and go into the dance school.  I was surprised when my 14 year old daughter said, “Look at her, mom.  She’s beautiful.  She looks like a ballerina.  See her long arms.  See her long neck and how she carries herself.”  I was pleased that this older sister was admiring her sister in such a loving way, without jealousy.  This older sister then went on to tell me that even though she didn’t have the “dancer’s body” that her young sister had, she wouldn’t trade who she for anything in the world.  She liked who she was.  She said, “I wouldn’t want to trade my personality for her body.”  I consider that statement a win/win.  This 14 year old girl had a good self-concept of herself and as a mother, isn’t that is your #1 goal for your daughter. 

As a girl, it is important to develop a good self-esteem.  Mother’s play a vital role in helping girls develop into women that know who they are and love themselves.  These are five key phrases that mothers should try to avoid at all costs.

I Think That Boy Likes You                               

Boys are wonderful!  Boys are great!  But boys are a detriment to a young girl.  Interest from boys give girls a false sense of self-worth.  A girl should never think she has value because a boy likes her.  Instead of pairing up with just one boy, encourage group get-togethers.  There are so much more fun and even better if you can help with hosting a party or outing.  “Crushes” and attraction from boys can sexualize girls at a young age.  Most girls and young teens are just too emotionally i

mmature to handle the demands of a girl/boy relationship, and the breakup will be devastating to them and you.  By helping your daughter develop talents and interests outside of boys will develop self-esteem.  They will develop a feeling of self-confidence from knowing a new skill that they worked hard to develop. 

You’re So Pretty (Smart or So Anything Else)

I don’t know a girl or woman alive that doesn’t like to hear that they are pretty.  The problem becomes when the girl can only identify with being pretty.  Soon your daughter will start comparing herself to other girls.  Doubt sets in.  Building self-esteem on beauty is not a foundation on which to build self-esteem.  Instead, compliment your daughter on the effort she puts into education, a sport or a talent that she enjoys.                                

 

If you daughter only sees herself through the eyes of her mother or any other authority figure, she will have a difficult time navigating her own sense of self-worth.  Praising by saying phrases with like, "you're so pretty" or "you're so smart” only enforces a fixed mindset according to Carol S. Dweck, author of Mindset.  You can help your daughter develop a growth mindset

 by saying phrases like, "you're effort paid off", or, "I can see you worked hard on that."  In a study, those children that were labeled as “hard workers” performed better than those children that were labeled as “smart." Carol Dweck says that children that are praised too often are less likely to take risks and accept challenges. “Parents should take away the fact that they are not giving their children a gift when they tell them how brilliant and talented they are," Dweck says. "They are making them believe they are valued only for being intelligent, and it makes them not want to learn."

 I Told You So

We all like to be right!  Right?  We especially want our daughters to know that we are the source of all knowledge.  But most times, it is better to keep silent and watch from the sidelines.  Let our daughters evaluate for themselves the course of their life.  They will figure it out.  If you don’t let our daughters learn to make choices as children, they never will be able to as adults.  Humorist and writer, Erma Bombeck said this about her mother, “I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.  Thinking back on it now, it must hav

e been one of the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do:  knowing the outcome yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path.  I thank her for all of her virtues but mostly for never once having said, ‘I told you so.’”

 Are You Going to Eat That?

Girls and weight issues go together like oil and water!  Having been a chubby child of a mother who struggled with weight issues herself was torture for me.  As soon as I was out o

f the house and out from other my mother’s control of what I ate, my weight ballooned upward towards obesity.  It has taken a good part of my adult years to get that under control, but I still see myself as a “fat kid.”   Please don’t make weight an issue in your house but instead, foster good eating habits, have healthy foods available, and get rid of junk food in your life and your child’s life.  Go biking riding, enjoy a hike, and even play a game a kickball with them.  These good habits will give them a lifetime of health and happiness. 

 

You Failed

Now I don’t think many parents actually blurt out that phrase.  At least I hope not.  But we inadvertently say it in other ways.  We may say, “You could have done better,” “You didn’t try hard enough,” or “You’re a procrastinator.”  We might even say it non-verbally by the tone of voice or the raise of our eyebrow.  Angela Duckworth, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania and a noted expert on grit, says that bouncing back from failure turns out to be one of the best lessons a kid can learn.  She states, “The idea that a kid has to get straight A’s and excel at everything is misguided.”  If your daughter, or you for that matter, never have a chance to triumph over something difficult, he or she may never develop confidence to face a challenge.  JK Rowling is legend and known for being the author and creator of Harry Potter.  In her life she suffered a series of setbacks and failures.  She states that because of her failures she was fearless in pursuing the one thing she truly had passion for.  Writing.  In 2008 Ms. Rowling gave the commencement speech at Harvard University.  She entitled it “The Fringe Benefits of Failure.”  Ms. Rowling acknowledged that she was speaking to an audience of successful and intelligent people.  Most of whom were not very well acquainted with failure.  “You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”  By giving your daughter freedom to fail, you are fostering in them the self-confidence to overcome those setbacks. 

By eliminating these five simple phrases from our own thoughts, we are not only improving our daughters’ self-esteem, but we are developing a growth mindset.  In our daughters as well as ourselves.